The classic American Dream has long been to get married, buy a house, and have kids. But one management guru says we have the wrong mindset about the milestones we covet in life.
“Society overvalues the romantic relationship and undervalues the friendship,” said organizational consultant, speaker, and author Simon Sinek on the Finding Mastery podcast. “But this is the world we live in where there’s an excessive amount of pressure to get married. White picket fence, 1.3 children, or whatever the statistic is, 2.1.”
Sinek is most revered for his 2009 TED Talk about the concept of “why,” and his “Golden Circle” theory that encourages leaders and organizations to define their core purpose or belief as the basis for inspiring employees and customers. His TED Talk was one of the most-watched of all time with more than 60 million views on the TED website alone. Today he maintains more than 8.6 million followers on LinkedIn.
Sinek, 51, detailed how he’s been judged for not being in a serious romantic relationship. He said he has been on dates and been asked whether he’s ever been married—and when he responds that he hasn’t, and that the longest relationship he’s ever been in was three years long, he’s often been asked: “What’s wrong with you?”
That’s “the stress that I’ve carried for decades,” Sinek said on the podcast. “I believed my own narrative that I am a failure and I am bad at relationships, and people like you have commitment issues. Like, they all diagnosed me. And it didn’t sound right, because I don’t think I do.”
Connection between work and marriage
Although people generally strive to keep their work and personal lives separate, there is some evidence marriage can impact career outcomes. A 2020 study by Brigham Young University shows marriage is generally linked to career stability, like longer tenure at a company and more advancement opportunities.
Researcher Kaden LeFevre cites a study dating back to 1999 by a Harvard sociologist who found married individuals are “much less likely to leave a current job prior to lining up a new one.” LeFevre also cites an American Historical Association study showing both married men and married women who have children are generally seen as more trustworthy by employers.
Warren Buffett has also cited his marriage as the single most important financial decision he ever made. “Marry the right person. I’m serious about that,” he said during a 2009 Berkshire Hathaway annual meeting. “It will make more difference in your life. It will change your aspirations, all kinds of things.”
On the flip side, other studies show marriage and having children can be a hindrance to career development, particularly for women. In 2023, career choices were also cited as the No. 1 conflict among divorced people.
Average milestones for marriage age are changing
The average age to get married in the U.S. Is about 32 years old, according to The Knot. But just about a decade ago, that figure was roughly 27 years old for women and 29 years old for men, according to Pew Research. These statistics illustrate the trend of how Americans are starting to delay major milestones like getting married, adopting a pet, buying a house, and having children for a wide variety of reasons, namely owing to inflation and the cost of living.
Sinek said during the past few years he’s started to realize he had the wrong narrative about himself, and gave the example of a friend of his who was in a 16-year unhealthy relationship. He said she “admits freely” the relationship should’ve lasted just one year.
But “society looks at her and says, ‘She did it right.’ I did it wrong,” Sinek said. “There’s something wrong with me. ‘There’s nothing wrong with her, because there’s something flawed in you.’”
That’s because many Americans still hold on to the idea that getting married is the right and only choice. In fact, a recent study published by the National Library of Medicine shows there are still immense family pressures for financial stability, social status, and other strict criteria that induce anxiety and hesitation about marriage. Generational conflict makes this tension worse where young people reject traditional marital expectations, but still feel the pressure to tie the knot, according to the study.
“Whatever the reason, this societal pressure can leave us feeling inadequate or like a failure, experiencing self-doubt, second-guessing our life decisions, feeling socially isolated, or falling into the comparison trap,” wrote licensed therapist Meggen Horwatt in a recent blog post. “The pressure to be married and have children by a certain age, and not achieving that, can make us feel like we are broken, unlovable, behind, or failing.”
Despite experiencing bouts of self-doubt in the past, Sinek said he’s realized he’s a “very happy person” despite his lack of romantic relationships.
“I have great friends,” he said.
But still, the pressure for marriage remains.
There’s “entire economies on how to find it, nurse it, get it, make it,” Sinek said. “And yet there’s so little on friendship.”